Callousie Fütthand

Allow me to introduce you to Callousie Futthand… Admiral Callousie Fütthand is a British journalist and hopeful political candidate for the City of Sunderland. She is also Admiral of the Fütthand Fleet, her personal fleet of at least two RC boats. From 2010-2011 she was the Official Monster Raving Loony Party’s minister for Denying Global Warming Just To Wind People Up.Continue reading “Callousie Fütthand”

An open apology to my friend

If I don’t hold myself publicly accountable, how can I expect to get better? I’m an alcoholic, plain and simple. I’m obsessive compulsive, and I obsess over alcohol. It’s a poisonous drug that some people can casually use and be fine, but I can’t because I’m an addict. If I allow myself one single drink,Continue reading “An open apology to my friend”

Taking Back Creative Control, and a New Book

Hi. I’m Niamh. I write, that’s my thing. If you’re reading this, you’ve likely read other things I’ve written. For the last few years I’ve been sporadically spaffing out articles, personal essays, stories and poetry across the internet and anywhere else I felt people may see it. For the last two years in particular, I’veContinue reading “Taking Back Creative Control, and a New Book”

An Interview and a Trip to Amsterdam

On Saturday morning, as our ship was nearing the coast of Holland, and my wife was awaking to find she’d completed another orbit of the sun, my interview with Mari from Musings of a Book Girl went live. You can read the full interview over on MoaBG by clicking here. We had an interesting timeContinue reading “An Interview and a Trip to Amsterdam”

The Clock is ticking (from

I also published this story on Tomorrow I’m returning to my day job after being off on the sick, recovering from life-changing surgery, for the best part of four months. Before I left, I envisioned myself coming back to the grind as a better version of who I was before, but now it’s theContinue reading “The Clock is ticking (from”

Ungodly Distractions: Available online

UNGODLY DISTRACTIONS is a collection of absurd stories, peculiar projects and queer scribbling from the mind of Niamh Calderwood, a British writer who once walked with gnomes, and now plays with eyeballs for a living. Click here to order a copy from Lulu This is an unusual little book, full of strange ideas I cameContinue reading “Ungodly Distractions: Available online”

The Gray Paradox: Available online

Alfie Gray lives in his own little world. He gets out of bed, eats his breakfast and goes to work in a charity shop where he is a volunteer. He has his systems set in place and he doesn’t like change. He starts to notice unusual things happening around him, and everyone seems to knowContinue reading “The Gray Paradox: Available online”