‘Now I need you to push your back out,’ the doctor said. I awkwardly bent over in front of him, arching my back. ‘Not like that.’ He helped me assume the correct position, and when he found what he was looking for he pressed a finger firmly against a spot on my lower back. ‘This is where I’ll put the needle.’

This was my first spinal tap. I was feeling quite anxious about it to be honest. Over the years I’ve become desensitized to needles. A phlebotomist recently regarded me with suspicion when I rolled up my sleeve for her to take a blood sample, and she saw all the track marks from my many recent visits. ‘I’ve been having a lot of blood tests lately,’ I explained. ‘Hmm,’ she said.

But now I was moments away from having a huge needle inserted into my spine, and for some reason I felt less okay with that compared to a little blood test. It had to be done though, so I lifted up my dress, and climbed onto the bed. The doctor sterilized the injection site, and then drew on me a little bit. A nurse then came in and jabbed me with an anesthetic. I flinched a tiny bit when she did that. She gave me plenty warning, but it still felt unexpected. My back is kind of sensitive, but it was over in less than a second, and it didn’t actually hurt much.

When they started inserting the lumbar puncture needle, I didn’t actually feel it break the skin. Anesthetic is a wonder, and we don’t realize how fortunate we are to have access to it. It started feeling really weird after a few second when, I’m assuming, the needle actually made its way into the spine. It wasn’t painful, but there was an alien sensation. Imagine the feeling of having restless legs, or maybe pins and needles, but in your lower back instead. I lay there with my knees pulled up to my chest, pushing my back out as instructed. Once the needle was fully inserted, I then had to slowly straighten up my body so I was just lay on my side, fully stretched. I then watched the shadows on the wall as a large measuring device was used to check the pressure of the cerebrospinal fluid on my spinal cord and brain. Then they extracted some more fluid for testing, and finally removed the needle from my spine, which felt really weird on the way out too.

I was sweating and feeling a bit nauseous while the needle was in, but once it was removed I felt almost instantly better. I lay on my back as they took some blood from my arm, and a minute later I was done.

I felt kind of drained afterwards, and I’ve taken a couple days off work to just lie down and rest, because sitting or standing up has been bringing on this banging headache that can’t be alleviated with painkillers. Caffeine helps somehow. The doctor recommended coffee. A letter from the hospital specifically mentioned Coca Cola. Maybe they’re getting a kick-back. I’ve been knocking back Coke Zero while I’ve been laid up anyway. Not sure if it’s helping, but I crave it now.

I have more appointments in the coming weeks and months with different specialists, it shouldn’t be long until I get a date for surgery to partially resect Tabitha. I’m so over having a brain tumor now.